4 Reasons our culture has lost its way in terms of parenting

1. Many people in our day and age have children but don’t really want them.  Children are viewed as a liability in a culture that has increasingly convinced people that the paramount goal in life should be their own personal fulfillment.
2. The idea of quality time has replaced the idea of quantity time.
3. It is no longer socially acceptable for Dad to be the authority in the home.
4. Children see their parents refusing to submit to authority which results in their unwillingness to accept a submissive role in life.

7 Observations on Parental Authority

1. You must not be embarrassed to be your child’s authority.
2. Our authority as parents comes from being an agent of God.
3. We should never direct our children for our own convenience, but rather on behalf of God for their good.
4. The purpose of our authority is not to hold our kids under our power.
5. Our goal is to empower our children to be self-controlled individuals living under God’s authority.
6. As parents, we must require obedience from our children because God’s word calls for obedience and the honoring of parents.
7. Based on Mr. Tripp’s experience, children don’t generally resist authority when that authority is kind and selfless as described above.

5 Observations on Shepherding Our Children

1. As a shepherd, our goal is to help our children understand themselves as a creation of God and their role as being made “for God.”
2. The job of a parent is to lead children on the path of discovery.
3. Our job is to shepherd our children’s thoughts to help them learn discernment and wisdom.
4. We do this with open and honest communication.
5. The Heart is the Focus of Shepherding (“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” [Proverbs 4:23])

5 Reasons Why the Gospel Must be Central Focus in Raising Kids

1. The goal is not to simply direct the behavior of our children, but the attitudes of their hearts.
2. As parents, we should show our children the “why” of their sin and not just the “what.”
3. As parents, a goal of simply having well behaved children totally misses the mark.
4. The gospel promises internal transformation.
5. When we fail to hold our kids to God’s standard, we rob them of the “mercy of the gospel.”

2 Factors That Determine How A Child “Turns Out”

1. His Life Experiences (shaping influences); and
2. How the child interacts with those experiences (Godward Orientation)

6 Shaping Influences in Child’s Life

1. Structure of Family Life
2. Family Values
3. Family Roles
4. Family Conflict Resolution
5. Family Response to Failure
6. Family History

2 Common Mistakes related to Shaping Influences

1. Seeing shaping influences as deterministic; and
2. Denying the impact of shaping influences.

2 Possibilities for A Child’s Godward Orientation

1. They worship the true and living God of the Bible; or
2. They worship idols.

3 Responses to Shaping Influences and Godward Orientation

1. As parents, we must work to control those shaping influences in our children’s lives which we can control.
2. We must also actively shepherd our children’s hearts towards worshiping God.
3. In all of this, we must pray for God’s working in our children’s lives.

7 Unbiblical goals for our kids

1. Developing Special Skills
2. Psychological Adjustment
3. Saved Children
4. Family Worship
5. Well Behaved Children
6. Good Educations
7. Control

6 Unbiblical Methods For Raising Kids

1. I Didn’t Turn Out So Bad
2. Pop Psychology
3. Behavior Modification
4. Emotionalism
5. Punitive Correction / Grounding
6. Erratic Eclecticism

2 Pieces of Advice on communication

1. Remember that communication is a dialogue, not monologue
2. Focus on Understanding

3 Objectives of Communication With Kids

1. The behavior you see is a reflection of the abundance of your child’s heart.
2. You want to understand the specific content of the abundance of his heart.
3. The internal issues of the heart are of greater importance than the specifics of behavior, since they drive behavior.”

6 Alternative questions for talking to kids

1. What were you feeling when……?
2. What did ____ do to make you feel ______?
3. Help me to understand how ______ seemed to ______.
4. What was the problem with what ______ was doing to you?
5. In what other ways could you have responded?
6. How do you think your response/actions/inaction reflected trust/lack of trust in God’s ability to _______?

4 areas that must be addressed in conversation with our children

1. Nature of the temptation
2. Possible responses to the temptation
3. Motives for those responses
4. The sinful response he chose

8 Types of Communication

1. Encouragement
2. Correction
3. Rebuke
4. Entreaty
5. Instruction
6. Warning
7. Teaching
8. Prayer

3 Costs of communication

1. If parenting is our primary calling, it means we won’t be able to do everything we want to do.
2. It means we can’t develop every interest that comes along.
3. It means we may need to give up interests we already have.

3 Benefits of Communication

1. It prepares our kids for future relationships where communication skills where be essential.
2. It enables them to understand the complexities of life.  The more we help our kids understand themselves and their hearts, the better equipped they will be to deal with and understand life.
3. We must teach our kids to understand life through the redemptive grid of God.  What better way is their to communicate such a grid to our children than in our normal conversation?

5 Things that the Rod Is

1. It is a parental exercise (to be administered only by a parent).
2. It is an act of faith.  As parents, it shows our confidence in God’s word.
3. It is an act of faithfulness showing love and commitment to the child.
4. It is a responsibility.  Tripp puts it in a new light -  “It is not the parent determining to punish.  It is the parent determining to obey.”
5. It is a physical punishment.

5 Things that the Rod Is NOT

1. The Rod is not the right to unbridled temper.
2. It is not the right to hit our kids whenever we want.
3. It is not for the venting of frustration.
4. It is not retributive.
5. It should not be associated with vindictive anger.

6 Common Objections to the Rod Answered in the Book

1. 1. I love my children too much to spank them
2. 2. I’m afraid I will hurt my child
3. 3. I’m afraid it will make him rebellious and angry
4. 4. I’m afraid of teaching them to hit
5. 5. It doesn’t work
6. 6. I’m afraid of being arrested for child abuse

4 Things That Will Cause the Rod Not to Work

1. When it is done in anger
2. When it is inconsistent
3. When there is failure to persist on the part of the parents
4. When there is failure to make certain that the spanking has been effective

8 Fruits of the Rod

1. Teaching kids outcomes to behavior.
2. Consistent use helps kids to develop a harvest mentality (you reap what you sow).
3. It shows God’s authority over the parents as an example of submission to authority.
4. It demonstrates parental love and commitment to the child.
5. It results in peace and righteousness.
6. It gives children the security of discipline.
7. It return the child to the place of blessing.
8. It promotes openness and closeness between children and parents.

2 Components of the Circle of protection

1. Honor Parents
2. Obey Parents

2 Prerequisites to Children Honoring Their Parents

1. The parent trains the child to honor them; and
2. The parent is honorable in both conduct of demeanor.

3 Things A Child Must Never Be Allowed to Do

1. Never speak to their parents in imperatives (i.e., orders)
2. Never speak to their parents as they would a peer
3. They must be taught to express their thoughts and feelings in a manner which shows respect

3 Components of Obedience in Children (Doing what they are told…)

1. Without Challenge
2. Without Excuse
3. Without Delay

2 Benefits of Having An Appeals Process

1. It guard against caprice on the part of the parent
2. It gives kids a safety valve
3. Kids learn to submit to authority in a way that is not arbitrary.
4. Kids learn to be respectful to superiors.

3 Things an Appeals Process Is NOT

1. Children who refuse to obey
2. Children who obey only when they are certain that you are right or fair
3. Children who require you to “sell them” on why you are right

4 Prerequisites to The Appeals process

1. Obedience must happen immediately, not after the appeal.
2. The child must be ready to obey regardless of the outcome of the appeal.
3. The appeal must be done respectfully.
4. The results of the appeal must be accepted in a respectful manner.

5 Tips for Parents Whose Kids Are Older But Who Have Not Been Taught to Submit to Authority

1. Start with gracious and kind instruction.
2. Teach them biblical passages like Ephesians 6.
3. Help them see the benefits of being under authority.
4. Convince them that submission is the path to blessing.
5. Never try to sugarcoat submission.  It means doing what you don’t want to.

8 Steps in The “How” of Spanking

1. It should be in a private place.
2. Tell your child specifically what they have done or failed to do. (Tripp suggests that later in life we can correct for attitudinal issues, but for younger children the correction must be for specific actions.)
3. Make sure the child understands and acknowledges what they have done.
4. Remind the child that you are not spanking them because you are frustrated or angry but to restore them to the place of God’s protection and promised blessing (i.e., the Circle of Protection).  The spanking reflects your obedience to God as the parent and concern for your chid.
5. Let the child know beforehand how many swats he will receive.
6. Remove his drawers so the spanking is felt.  Tripp warns not to shame the child in this process.
7. After the spanking, hug your child and tell them how much you love them, how much it hurts you to spank them, and how you hope you won’t have to do it again.
8. Pray with him.

2 Things to Check if Your Child Won’t Be Restored to You After a Spanking

1. Check your own spirit.
2. Check his spirit.  If discipline has not resulted in peace and righteousness, it is not over.  Sometimes this results in having to repeat the spanking process.  If it continues not to work and the child is unwilling to be restored to you, Tripp suggests something along the lines of the following: “I love you, son, I have disciplined as much as is appropriate at this time.  My desire is to see you submit to Daddy.  My goal is total restoration of our relationship and closeness.  I am going to pray for us.  I am going to pray that I will be a dad who is wise and kind.  I will pray that you will submit to God’s order for family life and will honor and obey Mom and Dad.”

11 Frequently Asked Questions About Spanking Answered in The Book

1. What is a spanking issue?
2. When is my child old enough?
3. When is a child too old?
4. Can I use time-out instead of spanking?
5. What if my child says, “But, I didn’t hear you?”
6. If I follow your counsel, all I’ll do is spank.
7. What if I’m too mad?
8. What if we’re not at home?
9. What is I know my child is lying to me?
10. What if I’m not sure what happened?
11. What if nothing works?

7 Steps to Teach Older Children About Submission to Authority and Discpline

1. Talk to your child about your new insights and admit what you think you’ve done wrong in raising them.  Assist them in seeing how things would have been different if you practiced then what you know now.
2. Ask for their forgiveness for your failures.
3. Provide them with clear, biblical guidance on being under authority.
4. Talk to them about specific changes that are needed in their behavior, attitudes, etc.
5. Talk to them about how you will respond to disobedience in the future.  Make sure they understand it and are comfortable with it.
6. Kids will resist anything that smells of manipulation.  Any new approach must be part of your attempt to be biblical in all aspects of your life.  It can’t be solely for the purpose of getting your kids to change.
7. Be patient.  You’ll need it.  Pray.  Wait on God, and study the Bible with your kids.  The focus must be on what is needed to honor God, not on getting your kids to behave.

10 Character Traits We Would Like to See Our Kids Develop

1. Dependability
2. Honesty
3. Kindness
4. Consideration
5. Helpfulness
6. Diligence
7. Loyalty
8. Humility
9. Self-Control
10. Moral Purity

10 Questions to Discern Your Child’s Relationship to God

1. Does your child recognize his need for God?
2. Does he want to know and love God?
3. Does he go to God to provide him strength, comfort and help?
4. Is there any indication that your child is carrying on an independent relationship with God?
5. Are there things other than God which seem to motivate him?
6. Does he talk about God?
7. What does he think about God?
8. Is God big or small?
9. Is God a friend, helper, or the great taskmaster in the sky?
10. Does he see himself in Christ?

12 Questions to Determine What Your Child Thinks of Himself

1. How does you child think about himself?
2. How well does he understand himself?
3. How well does he understand his personality?
4. Is he self conscience of how his personality would lead him?
5. Does he understand his strengths and weaknesses?
6. Is he content with himself?
7. What do his actions say about his attitude about himself?
8. Is he shy or confident?
9. Is he fearful?
10. Does he help others?
11. Can he stick to a task?
12. Can he work by himself?

8 Questions About Your Child’s Relationships with Other People

1. How does your child interact with others?
2. What traits does he bring out in other people?
3. In his relationships, is he always the one in control or always the one being controlled?
4. Does he fawn for the attention of others?
5. Is he good with kids his own age?
6. How does he deal with it when people disappoint him?
7. How does he respond when people sin against him?
8. What are his relational strengths and weaknesses?

6 Observations on Character Development

1. Parents should not instill the idea in their kids that if they try hard enough, or are good enough, or really strive for it, that they can be what God has called him to be.  None of us can -  absent the grace and mercy of God.
2. It is impossible to try to build good character qualities in our kids without reference to God.
3. Teaching character is a process, not an event.  It requires plenty of patient teaching and instruction.
4. When you give your kids a keepable standard it trains them to rely on themselves and turns them away from the need for the Cross of Christ.
5. Proverbs is a great book for teaching kids about character.
6. Many parents are not able to correctly assess the character issue behind behaviors.   Many times that is because we view our children’s behavior problems very naively.  We do not want to admit the character flaw to ourselves and downplay the behavior.

3 Ways to Begin to Develop Adult Relationships With Your Children

1. Wait for the right time to talk to them.
2. Deal with Broad Themes.
3. Allow Room for Disagreement.

6 Steps For Your Child To Take Their Place As Individuals Under The Lord

1. Developing a Christian mind
2. Developing friendship with adults
3. Discovering and developing their particular ministry
4. Determining a career
5. Establishing their own home and family
6. Developing a mature relationship with their parents

<<LAST TIME: Ch. 19 – Teenagers: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 4: You’re In Charge – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. 15 Things I Learned from Vacation Bible School
3. Ch. 11 – Embracing Biblical Methods: The Rod – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

Tripp introduces this chapter as follows:

“I remember thinking that if keeping my children in line depended on me outwitting them, I might fail.  I am now persuaded that raising teenagers is not a matter of out-maneuvering them.  It is much more exciting and satisfying than that.”

Instead, raising teenagers is about internalizing the gospel.  This is the process of them embracing the Christian faith you have been teaching them as their own.  As a parent, our wish for our teenagers is that they develop their own identities as children of God.  The internalization of the gospel in teenagers requires the Holy Spirit in the same way that it does for all believers young and old.

Tripp reminds us that there is no promise to be found in the Bible that our kids will come to faith in Jesus Christ.  Our hope is not in a promise that our kids will come to faith but in the gospel itself which turns sinners to Christ.  Our role as parents during this vital time is to seek to influence them in the internalization of the gospel.

As children become teens, they become more acutely aware of their own sin.  They are also faced with the realization that not everyone believes the same things they have been taught.  As parents, Tripp says our task “is to shepherd and nurture his interaction with the gospel.”

Tripp then goes on to address the process of developing a shepherding relationship with teens.  When our children our teens, the parental role is directive not remedial.  By now, you should have established your authority as an agent of God.  If that is not established, you need to go back, seek God, and work through the steps set out in Chapter 15 of this book.

Tripp points out that one of the foundational elements of shepherding is influence.  You will recall from Chapter 10 that, as the child ages, your authority as a parent decreases while influence increases.  One of the ways you should seek to influence your kids at this stage is with gentle reproofs of life.  This approach urges the child to take the wise path and accept the gentle rebuke.  This is far superior to alienating the child by the use of harsh directives.

Tripp summarizes, “You are seeking to influence and provide counsel.  You can accomplish nothing of lasting value simply by being an authority.  You must seek to counsel and influence.”  Tripp asserts that there are few times when a parent must actually demand that a teen do or not do something.  Furthermore, he asserts that if every day does involve demanding and requiring things of your teen, you have not practiced the biblical principles of parenting addressed throughout this book.

Another role for parents of teens is shepherding them through the doubts related to their faith.  As they begin to encounter the realization that not everyone believes like they do, they are likely to face doubts.  During this phase of life, teens begin to examine their faith at “arm’s length.”  We must encourage them, as we would any Christian, to face up to their questions.  The Christian faith has stood up to countless attacks over the last 2,000 years, and it will certainly stand up to your child’s questions.

It is also critical that you maintain a positive relationship with your teen.  These years are years of what Tripp calls “colossal blunders.”  During these times of failures, our kids need positive interaction with us.  In order to do this, we must keep things in proportion and keep watch over our tongue when it comes to dealing with them.  We must develop the skill of taking our kids to the cross for forgiveness and the power to live.

Next, Tripp says that we must begin to develop an adult relationship with our kids.  That means dealing with them like you would any other adult in your life.  This entails:

• Waiting for the right time to talk to them.  Tripp observes, “You have no biblical obligation to censure your children for everything they do that is irritating to you.  You must increasingly make room for your teenager’s differing style and manner, holding correction for moral and ethical issues.”
• Dealing with Broad Themes. We don’t nitpick our adult friends over every little thing in there lives that needs some work.  Instead, you look for broad themes that need work and address those.
• Allowing Room for Disagreement. We need to remember with our kids, like we do with other adult friends, that it is possible to disagree and still remain friends.  Tripp warns that there are areas where we will need to give clear direction to our teens.  We should not waste our influence on things that don’t matter.

Finally, Tripp explains that internalization of the gospel is not the end of your child’s spiritual journey.  It is just a means for future development our your kids.  Our goal as parents is to see them take their place as individuals under the Lord.  That involves:

1. Developing a Christian mind
2. Developing friendship with adults
3. Discovering and developing their particular ministry
4. Determining a career
5. Establishing their own home and family
6. Developing a mature relationship with their parents

Tripp reminds us that “the parent-child relationship is temporary.  The husband-wife relationship is permanent.”

I liked the end of Mr. Tripp’s book so much, that I will not do him the disservice of trying to summarize it.  Here is that he says:

“The parenting task comes to an end.  We are no longer the onsite shepherds.  That aspect of our relationship is done.  This will be true whether they marry or just take their place as an adult in their community.  God intends for parenting to be a temporary task.

In the final analysis, you must entrust your children to God.  How they turn out will depend on more than what you have done in providing shaping influences.  It will depend on the nature of their Godward commitment.  Ultimately, you leave them to God, knowing that you can entrust your children to the God who has dealt so graciously with you.”

Personal Observation

There you have it.  We have reached the end of the book and the end of our synopsis.  Rarely have I come across a book so packed with practical knowledge and advice.  To that end, I am working on a cheat sheet of sorts – let call it a conclusion.  I will post it here next time.  May God bless you and your family!

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 18 – Teenagers: Training Objectives

213 Things I Learned from Shepherding A Child’s Heart
: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 18 – Teenagers: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 15 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 17 – Childhood: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

Tripp explains that the benchmarks for this period are “the onset of puberty and the time when the child leaves home to establish a home of his own.”  If one words sums up this time in a child’s life, it is insecurity.  The child is no longer a child yet is still not an adult.  They feel vulnerable and worry about their appearance.  They are anxious about their understanding of life and “unstable in the world of ideas.”  They are apprehensive about their personality.  Against this backdrop of insecurity, they are trying to establish their own individual and independent identity.  While kids at this stage of development require more guidance than ever before, they are resistant to any attempt to limit them.

Many times these years are marked by rebellion which can be just an attempt to establish an individual identity.  Other times, though, rebellion could be caused by deeper issues.  In some kids, rebellion is just the expression of something that has been their the whole time.  Tripp does point out though that it is a fallacy to think that a kid becomes a rebel because of the company he keeps.  Rather, he explains, kids who are already rebellious tend to find other rebels to hang out with.

Proverbs 1:7-19 provides the foundation for parenting in this stage of life.  It states:

⁷ The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge;
fools despise wisdom and instruction.
⁸ Hear, my son, your father’s instruction,
and forsake not your mother’s teaching,
⁹ for they are a graceful garland for your head
and pendants for your neck.
¹⁰ My son, if sinners entice you,
do not consent.
¹¹ If they say, “Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood;
let us ambush the innocent without reason;
¹² like Sheol let us swallow them alive,
and whole, like those who go down to the pit;
¹³ we shall find all precious goods,
we shall fill our houses with plunder;
¹⁴ throw in your lot among us;
we will all have one purse”—
¹⁵ my son, do not walk in the way with them;
hold back your foot from their paths,
¹⁶ for their feet run to evil,
and they make haste to shed blood.
¹⁷ For in vain is a net spread
in the sight of any bird,
¹⁸ but these men lie in wait for their own blood;
they set an ambush for their own lives.
¹⁹ Such are the ways of everyone who is greedy for unjust gain;
it takes away the life of its possessors.

Tripp explains that these verses provide the three foundations of life:

1. Fear of the Lord (v. 7)

Our kids must be motivated by the fear of the Lord.  They must understand that they are accountable to him, and they must realize that they will be called to give an account to him.  God sees everything.  Tripp observes that more than 1/3 of the Bible deals with judgment which should be a sobering thought for our kids.  The peer pressure teenagers often succumb to is simply the expression of living in the fear of man rather than the fear of God.  In short, Tripp explains, “The teen who understands the fear of God will be delivered from danger.  He will possess wisdom.  He will grow in the knowledge of God.”

2. Adherence to parental instruction (v 8-9)

Tripp observes that the young person who “adheres to the instruction of his parents will be richly blessed.”  Proverbs commands kids to embrace the teaching of their parents (Prov. 6:20-23) and warns that ignoring that teaching amounts to lunacy.  As parents, in order to accomplish this objective, our relationship with our kids must be built on honesty.  We should never give advice that is in our best interest or convenience rather than theirs.  Adherence to parental instruction also means sticking to the “framework of truth” that kids have been taught.  According to Deuteronomy 6, this framework is to be taught in the context of daily living.  As a word of encouragement to parents, Tripp explains “You do not need to be perfect; you simply need to be people of integrity who are living life in the rich, robust truth of the Word of God.”

3. Disassociation from the wicked (v 10-19)

God recognizes the problem of influence and warns that those who hang out with wicked people will learn their wicked ways.  Tripp explains that the best way to keep your kids from being tempted by the offer of camaraderie with wicked people is to make our homes attractive places to be.  Tripp explains that “young people generally do not run from places where they are loved and know unconditional acceptance.  They do not run away from homes where there are solid relationships.  They do not run from homes in which the family is planning activities and doing exciting things.”

In conclusion, Tripp states, “These three foundations of life must blow through every conversation with your teens.”

Personal Observation

The teenage years are years of reaping and sowing for parents.  We are sowing for their future, but we are also reaping the rewards and consequences of past decisions.  If a child is raised as the center of attention in the family, you will reap selfish self-centered kids who don’t feel they have any need for the cross of Christ.  However, on the flip side, if we have sown God into our kids’ lives, we reap a harvest of righteousness.  Never succumb to the popular idea of our culture that the teenage years are bound to be horrible, and there is nothing you can do about it.  Reap when they are young, and sow when they are teenagers.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 17 – Childhood: Training Procedures

Ch. 19 – Teenagers: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 19 – Teenagers: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 16 – Childhood: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 14 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

In this chapter, Tripp look at addressing the “why” of our children’s behavior rather than just the “when” or the “what.”  We must help our kids “to look at the ‘what’  of their behavior from the ‘why’ perspective.”  Unless we dig in to the heart in this way, we only end up addressing the external aspects of behavior rather than the heart attitude.

Tripp defines character as “living consistently with who God is and who I am.”  He gives several examples of viewing character traits based on this framework.  Tripp makes the following observations regarding character development:

• Parents should not instill the idea in their kids that if they try hard enough, or are good enough, or really strive for it, that they can be what God has called him to be.  None of us can -  absent the grace and mercy of God.
• It is impossible to try to build good character qualities in our kids without reference to God.
• Teaching character is a process, not an event.  It requires plenty of patient teaching and instruction.
• When you give your kids a keepable standard it trains them to rely on themselves and turns them away from the need for the Cross of Christ.
• Proverbs is a great book for teaching kids about character.
• Many parents are not able to correctly assess the character issue behind behaviors.   Many times that is because we view our children’s behavior problems very naively.  We do not want to admit the character flaw to ourselves and downplay the behavior.

Tripp suggests the appeal to the conscience as the means towards heart change in our kids.  As he points out, heart change only happens once kids are convicted of their sin, and that conviction comes through conscience.  Tripp reminds us that Jesus consistently appealed to men’s conscience forcing them to judge themselves and their motives.  Appealing to the conscience is critical to character development.

Tripp observes that the conscience within man is always either accusing or excusing our actions.  When we appeal to our kids’ conscience, we make the issue between them and God rather than between them and us as parents.  Part of appealing to the conscience is showing our kids their need for Christ’s mercy and grace.

Tripp concludes with the observation that kids who are simply hearing the same old orders over and over again, and not moving into areas of character development, will be ill equipped to enter the next stage of development – the teenage years.

Personal Observation

Tripp suggests the use of Proverbs as a way to teach kids about biblical wisdom.  I began reading proverbs daily (it’s nice how God providentially made the chapters line up with the days of most months) several months ago after a suggestion in a sermon I was listening to.  After reading this book, I read them daily with my kids as well.  We recently started categorizing every single proverb by subject.  The kids (ages 6 and love it.  They think it’s like a game.  Frankly, I think it helps them to understand each proverb better when they have to take the time to think about what category to put it into.  I have also been struck by the depth of their questions during our reading time.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 16 – Childhood: Training Objectives

Chapter 18 – Teenagers: Training Objectives: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 15 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 16 – Childhood: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 14 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

Tripp defines childhood as the middle period of a child’s life from ages five to twelve.  During this period of their life, a child is developing more of a sense of independence regarding their choices and their personality.  With the beginning of school and other activities, the children find themselves spending more and more time away from the direct supervision of their parents.  They are confronted with situations their parents do not witness or control.

For this section of the book, Tripp assumes that you have, as a parent, already taught your child the lessons of stage one.  Your child sees himself as a creature made by God who lives for God and understands what it means to submit to authority.  That said, the big issue for this second stage of a child’s development during the Childhood years is character.  Tripp offers the following partial list of charater traits we would like to see our kids develop:

• Dependability
• Honesty
• Kindness
• Consideration
• Helpfulness
• Diligence
• Loyalty
• Humility
• Self-Control
• Moral Purity

The goal of the first stage was to deal with defiant behavior.  In this stage, you are dealing with behavior that is wrong even though it might not be defiant.  Tripp states, “if you never address character, you will never get beyond bare obedience.”

Tripp quickly addresses one mistake that parents commonly make.  In order to deal with character failures on the part of their kids, they make more and more rules.  Tripp sums it up the fallacy of dealing with the problem with rules is that, “the adult mind is not clever enough to make rules the child’s mind cannot circumvent.  More rules won’t work!”

In order to assess character issues, Tripp suggests that you make the following diagnostic of each child every six months or so:

1. What is the nature of your child’s relationship to God?

Some of the questions Tripp suggests in determining this include:

• Does your child recognize his need for God?
• Does he want to know and love God?
• Does he go to God to provide him strength, comfort and help?
• Is there any indication that your child is carrying on an independent relationship with God?
• Are there things other than God which seem to motivate him?
• Does he talk about God?
• What does he think about God?
• Is God big or small?
• Is God a friend, helper, or the great taskmaster in the sky?
• Does he see himself in Christ?

2. What does the child think of himself?

Here are some of the questions Tripp suggests for this assessment:

• How does you child think about himself?
• How well does he understand himself?
• How well does he understand his personality?
• Is he self conscience of how his personality would lead him?
• Does he understand his strengths and weaknesses?
• Is he content with himself?
• What do his actions say about his attitude about himself?
• Is he shy or confident?
• Is he fearful?
• Does he help others?
• Can he stick to a task?
• Can he work by himself?

3. How are your child’s relationships with others?

Tripp offers the following questions for consideration:

• How does your child interact with others?
• What traits does he bring out in other people?
• In his relationships, is he always the one in control or always the one being controlled?
• Does he fawn for the attention of others?
• Is he good with kids his own age?
• How does he deal with it when people disappoint him?
• How does he respond when people sin against him?
• What are his relational strengths and weaknesses?

Tripp suggests that parents sit down together twice a year and list all of their concerns and things they are pleased about for each child under each category as well as those things that are pleasing for each category.  Then you must develop a strategy for dealing with your concerns.

Personal Observation

From my own experience, I can tell you that volumes and volumes of rules do not work.  Our oldest child, who is now almost 16, has been quite a handful at times.  As a result of that, and a lack of proper biblical grounding, we have at times ended up with volumes and volumes of rules.  Here is what I, in my own experience have discovered about rules that makes them ineffective:

• They are hard to keep track of.
• Kids will always have an excuse for not following them.
• They will forget them.
• You will forget them.
• It’s hard to continue to come up with consequences for violations.
• It’s hard to keep track of the consequences.
• Kids will pretend you never made that rule.
• They will find the loophole (you said not to make fun of my sister, it’s not making fun if it’s true).

Trust me when I tell you that rule upon rule upon rule will not solve the problems and will only serve to wear you out as a parent.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 15 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures

Chapter 17 – Childhood: Training Procedures: NEXT TIME>>

Return to Index

Related posts:

1. Ch. 14 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 18 – Teenagers: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 15 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

The “When” of Spanking

Tripp summarizes, “When you have given a direction that has been heard and is within his capacity to understand, and he has not obeyed without challenge, without excuse or without delay, he needs a spanking.  If you fail to spank, you fail to take God’s Word seriously.”

As parents, we must be consistent.  We cannot ignore disobedience.  Failure to be consistent results from parents taking the easy way out.  It is far more difficult to consistently make decisions based on sound biblical guidance and what is best for our kids.  Tripp also explains that we must not warn and we must not ask kids if they want to be spanked.  If we do, we train them to wait for the warning before obeying.

The “How” of Spanking

First and foremost, a spanking must never be done out of anger.  Even in spanking, we must treat our kids with respect.  Tripp states, “Remember that discipline is a rescue mission.  You  must keep the spanking focused on issues of the heart.”  To that end, Tripp offers the following advice on the “how” of spanking:

1. It should be in a private place.
2. Tell your child specifically what they have done or failed to do. (Tripp suggests that later in life we can correct for attitudinal issues, but for younger children the correction must be for specific actions.)
3. Make sure the child understands and acknowledges what they have done.
4. Remind the child that you are not spanking them because you are frustrated or angry but to restore them to the place of God’s protection and promised blessing (i.e., the Circle of Protection).  The spanking reflects your obedience to God as the parent and concern for your chid.
5. Let the child know beforehand how many swats he will receive.
6. Remove his drawers so the spanking is felt.  Tripp warns not to shame the child in this process.
7. After the spanking, hug your child and tell them how much you love them, how much it hurts you to spank them, and how you hope you won’t have to do it again.
8. Pray with him.

After the spanking, Tripp says that you and your child should have “complete restoration.”  If the child refuses to be restored to you, Tripp suggests that you check the following two things:

1. Check your own spirit.
2. Check his spirit.  If discipline has not resulted in peace and righteousness, it is not over.  Sometimes this results in having to repeat the spanking process.  If it continues not to work and the child is unwilling to be restored to you, Tripp suggests something along the lines of the following: “I love you, son, I have disciplined as much as is appropriate at this time.  My desire is to see you submit to Daddy.  My goal is total restoration of our relationship and closeness.  I am going to pray for us.  I am going to pray that I will be a dad who is wise and kind.  I will pray that you will submit to God’s order for family life and will honor and obey Mom and Dad.”

The other critical thing to remember is that once discipline is over, it’s over.  The slate is clean.  It’s time to start over fresh.

The “Why” of Spanking

Remember that when we discipline our kids, we are battling for their hearts.  It is not about their behavior.  It is about the heart, and God has given us the rod as the means of driving foolishness from the heart of the child.

Frequently Asked Questions

In this section, Mr. Tripp deals with some of the more popular questions he’s gotten about spanking.  The following is a brief synopsis of his answers:

What is a spanking issue?

We should reserve spanking for what Tripp calls “Issues of Defiance.”  These include failure to obey and failure to honor.  As stated in an earlier chapter, you should never spank for acts of childishness.

When is my child old enough?

Tripp’s answer is simple.  When the child is old enough to be defiant, he’s old enough to be spanked.  He also points out that the longer you put off disciplining your young child, the more entrenched the disobedience will become.

When is a child too old?

There is not set age.  Every child is different, and the circumstances of each child are different.  Tripp does point out that spanking is most effective in small children because they fear being spanked.  As they get older, they don’t react to it quite as much.  As children get older, there are other consequences which parents can use.

Can I use time-out instead of spanking?

Tripp explains that we have no right to substitute anything for what God has commanded.  We need to trust and obey God.  It is OK to use other methods in addition to spanking, but it is never OK to use them as a substitute for spanking.

What if my child says, “But, I didn’t hear you?”

Tripp first suggests that you never challenge the validity of this statement.  However, you should teach your children that this is not an acceptable answer.  He suggests that if this is a problem, you should tell you children that they need to learn how to listen better as you will no longer accept, “I didn’t hear you” as an excuse.

If I follow your counsel, all I’ll do is spank.

Tripp explains that parents find when they are consistent with discipline, the need for it quickly decreases.

What if I’m too mad?

Tripp offers the comforting assurance that every parent has felt rage towards a misbehaving child.  If you are too mad to discipline, you should instruct your child to go sit in another room.  You job is to repent of your anger before God.  If we do sin against our children in anger, we must ask for their forgiveness.

What if we’re not at home?

Tripp states that “In a culture that cannot distinguish between biblical discipline and child abuse, it is unwise to spank children in public.”  Spanking should be done in a private place.  Tripp also explains that as children approach school age, they can remember things long after they happen thereby allowing for discipline at a later time.

What is I know my child is lying to me?

First, you must get the child to admit to you that they have been dishonest.  If that doesn’t work, you should move to a more general discussion regarding the need for integrity.  Tripp also admonishes parents that they should never (never) call their children a liar.  If you tell them you don’t believe them, it will dishearten them and will harm your future relationship.  If they won’t admit to the lie, they may get away with it this time.  The losses are less if you both walk away than if you call him a liar.

What if I’m not sure what happened?

If you don’t know, and the child won’t tell you, there is nothing to do.  Your credibility with your kids increases when you refuse to discipline when things are not clear.

What if nothing works?

First, you need to look for any holes or inconsistencies in your parenting.  Second, as parents, we need to be prepared to be obedient to God even if the benefits of that obedience are not immediately known or seen.

What if it is too late?

While Tripp admits that this process is easier in younger children, he reminds us that we serve a powerful God, and that we are never in the situation where there is not an obedient response.  He suggests the following course of action:

1. Talk to your child about your new insights and admit what you think you’ve done wrong in raising them.  Assist them in seeing how things would have been different if you practiced then what you know now.
2. Ask for their forgiveness for your failures.
3. Provide them with clear, biblical guidance on being under authority.
4. Talk to them about specific changes that are needed in their behavior, attitudes, etc.
5. Talk to them about how you will respond to disobedience in the future.  Make sure they understand it and are comfortable with it.
6. Kids will resist anything that smells of manipulation.  Any new approach must be part of your attempt to be biblical in all aspects of your life.  It can’t be solely for the purpose of getting your kids to change.
7. Be patient.  You’ll need it.  Pray.  Wait on God, and study the Bible with your kids.  The focus must be on what is needed to honor God, not on getting your kids to behave.

Personal Observation

The “What if it is too late?” section of this chapter really hit me hard.  I was 30 years old when I became a follower of Christ, and my oldest was nine already at the time.  I have had a conversation similar to that laid out by Mr. Tripp with all three of my older children separately.  It is a humbling experience, but I pray that God will use it as an example of obedience and humility to bring them to him. Thankfully, I found this book while the fourth is still young.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 14 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Objectives

Chapter 16 – Childhood: Training Objectives: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 14 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 17 – Childhood: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 19 – Teenagers: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

Tripp defines infancy to childhood as that period from birth through age four or five.  During this period, the child is going through astounding changes including:

• Physical change
• Social change
• Intellectual change
• Spiritual change

At this stage, there needs to be one principle objective to training.  That objective is to instill the following: “HE IS AN INDIVIDUAL UNDER AUTHORITY.  He has been made by God and has a responsibility to obey God in all things.”  Submitting to parents is the result of being under God’s authority.  In other words, submitting to authority is what God has called children to do.  This training must start when they are infants – Tripp suggests the second you bring them home from the hospital.

The Circle of Blessing

For the fundamental concepts of the Circle of Blessing, Tripp points to Ephesians 6:1-3:

¹ Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ² “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), ³“that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

This verse tells us that submission to parents means both honoring them and obeying them.  It also promises two things as a result of doing this.

The first result of honoring and obeying parents is that things will go well with them.  We do not teach our kids to obey for the benefit of the parent but for their own benefit.  When kids are submissive to their parents, it is a place of safety for them.  On the flip side, being outside the circle of protection is a place of danger for them.  They are, after all, outside the will of God when they are outside the circle.  As parents, we must return them to the circle of protection.  If they were any other sort of danger, we would not hesitate to act.  When they are outside the circle of protection, our reaction can be no less.  Tripp offers a visual concept of the circle of blessing based on this verse.  The circle surrounds the child with HONOR and OBEY on the top and bottom and the circle while Blessing and Long Life reside on either side of the child.

The Definition of Honor

Next, Tripp moves to defining what it means to honor your parents.  His simple definition is “Honoring parents means to treat them with respect and esteem because of their position of authority.”  Tripp explains that if a child is going to honor his parents, it will be because of two things:

1. The parent trains the child to honor them; and
2. The parent is honorable in both conduct of demeanor.

Tripp explains that it is hard to teach a child to honor their parents because we live in a culture where no one is honored.  There are certain things kids must never be allowed to do because they dishonor parents:

• Never speak to their parents in imperatives (i.e., orders)
• Never speak to their parents as they would a peer
• They must be taught to express their thoughts and feelings in a manner which shows respect

On the issue of respect, Tripp warns parents to teach this respect early as respectful teenagers are developed when they are 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 not when they are 12, 13, 14, 15 or 16.  Another thing Tripp warns parents about the need to show their kids respect in order to teach their kids how to respect them.  If we fail to be respectful to our kids, we must repent and ask for their forgiveness.

The Definition of Obey

Obedience is not a popular concept in our society today.  Tripp defines it as follows: “Obedience is the willing submission of one person to the authority of another.  It means more than a child doing what he is told.  It means doing what he is told – Without Challenge, Without Excuse, Without Delay.”  Many times it means doing what they do not want to do when they do not want to do it.  Tripp warns that we will train our children in obedience one way or another.  They will either learn to obey in a biblical way, or only after much yelling, pleading, and threatening.  Or, they may learn not to obey at all.  If we accept any response from our kids other than immediate obedience, we are training them in the art of disobedience.

Consistency

We must be consistent with our kids.  The rules can’t change from day to day.  Tripp explains, “If they must obey, you must challenge disobedience and persevere until the lessons of submission are learned.  Victory does not come to the faint of heart.”  This entails clear directions and standards for our kids and the appropriate follow through when those expectations are not met.  Tripp warns that if we, as parents, truly understand the fear of the Lord, we will not allow our kids to disobey his will without doing something about it.  If there is any doubt, I suggest you read my earlier post on SINNERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD by Jonathan Edwards.  You do not want to subject your kids to the fury of God simply because it is easier to ignore disobedience than to deal with it.

Process of Appeal

Tripp does allow room for kids to appeal to parents.  This can only happen once kids understand that they are under the authority of their parents and understand that they can’t always do what they want.  Once those objectives are reached, we can teach them the appropriate way to appeal.

Here is what an appeal is not.  As a parent, here is what you can’t accept:

• Children who refuse to obey
• Children who obey only when they are certain that you are right or fair
• Children who require you to “sell them” on why you are right

You can teach your kids how to appeal in a respectful manner though.  This process serves as a double check:

• Against “caprice on your part,” and
• To give kids a safety valve.

Tripp provides the following guidelines for an appropriate appeal:

1. Obedience must happen immediately, not after the appeal.
2. The child must be ready to obey regardless of the outcome of the appeal.
3. The appeal must be done respectfully.
4. The results of the appeal must be accepted in a respectful manner.

The benefits from such an appeal process are obvious:

• It gives the child some recourse.
• They learn to submit to authority in a way that is not arbitrary.
• They learn to be respectful to superiors.

Tripp concludes, “The parent can change his mind in the context of respectful appeal, but not in the presence of blatant rebellion.”

Tripp addresses the importance of submission, “Even though the child will not be able to fully appreciate the importance of submission, training him to do what he ought, regardless of how he feels, prepares him to be a person who lives by principle rather than mood or impulse.  He learns that he cannot trust himself to judge right and wrong.  He must have a reference point outside himself.”

Finally, Tripp offers some advise to parents whose kids are already past this stage in terms of age but who have not yet learned the foundational principles of submission to authority.  He offers the following:

• Start with gracious and kind instruction.
• Teach them biblical passages like Ephesians 6.
• Help them see the benefits of being under authority.
• Convince them that submission is the path to blessing.
• Never try to sugarcoat submission.  It means doing what you don’t want to.

Personal Observation

I can not say enough good about the “Circle of Protection” which Tripp offers in this chapter.  I have used it extensively with my kids, and they have really taken to it.  They have a deep grasp of the gravity of being outside of God’s protection, and it helps them to put their actions, and more importantly their heart attitudes behind those actions, into some context.  When we are having our discussion, I find myself physically drawing the circle on their hearts as a way to remind them of the importance of God and their heart in following him.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized

Chapter 15 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures: NEXT TIME>>

Return to Index

Related posts:

1. Ch. 16 – Childhood: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 15 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 18 – Teenagers: Training Objectives – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

The foundations of raising kids covered so far are as follows:

1. Our kids are the product of two things – their shaping influences and their Godward orientation.
2. Behavior comes from the heart.
3. Parents have authority because they act as agents of God.
4. “Since the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever, you must set such a worldview before your children.”
5. Biblical methods are as important as biblical goals.
6. God has two methods for raising kids – communication and the rod.

In the following chapters, Tripp will look at applying these principles to raising kids at various ages and stages of development.

Personal Observation

At this point, I wanted to say how profoundly impacting I have found both this book and putting together this synopsis.  It is impactful not only on a theoretical level but also on a very practical level.  I am currently working on a more comprehensive summary (a cheat sheet of sorts) which I intend to put together and post at the conclusion of this synopsis.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 12 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Appeal to Conscience

Chapter 14 – Infancy to Childhood: Training Objectives: NEXT TIME>>

Return to Index

Related posts:

1. Ch. 12 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Appeal to Conscience – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 6: Reworking Your Goals – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Types of Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

The issues of communication and the rod dealt with in the last several chapters imply two additional issues which are addressed in this chapter – appeal to the conscience and focusing on the redemptive work of God.

Appeal to the Conscience

As parents, in order for correction and discipline to be effective, they must be directed at our kids’ conscience.  Kids will either excuse themselves or accuse themselves because of their conscience.  As Tripp explains, “This God-given conscience is your ally in discipline and correction.  Your most powerful appeals will be those that smite the conscience.”  Tripp points to Proverbs 23 and  numerous examples of verses in that chapter (17, 19, 22, 23, and 26) which model appeal to the conscience.  Tripp explains, “the rod gets the attention, but the conscience must be plowed up and planted with the truth of God’s way.”

Tripp reminds us that in correction we must get beyond the outward issues of behavior and address the issues of the heart in order to have our kids deal with their ultimate issue of Godward orientation.  We do this, and expose the issues of the heart, by appealing to our children’s conscience which Tripp describes as “the God-given adjudicator of right and wrong.”  Tripp also notes the power of the gospel to smite the conscience.

Correction with a Central Focus on Redemption

The very first sentence of this section provides a good summary, “The central focus of childrearing is to bring children to a sober assessment of themselves as sinners.”  The cross of Christ must be central to our efforts as parents to raise our kids.  Discipline must be geared towards helping our kids to understand their total and complete inability to meet God’s standards and will absent the grace and mercy of God.  In order to do this, the standard we hold our kids to must be as high as God’s standard.  Tripp summarizes, “God’s standard is correct behavior flowing from a heart that loves God and has God’s glory as the sole purpose of life.”

The only other option is to lower the standard from God’s standard to something we think our kids can achieve.  In doing so, we move our kids away from the self-assessment that is necessary to bring them to the cross of Christ.  Ultimately, giving kids a standard they can keep results in hypocrisy and self-righteousness.

Personal Observation

It is easier as a parent to give our kids a standard they can achieve than to hold them to God’s standard.  After all, what parent doesn’t want his kid to succeed?  In the end though, we do our kids a disservice when we set a lower standard.  We teach them “self-esteem” and ignore the redeeming work of Jesus Christ.  What a travesty!

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 11 – Embracing Biblical Methods: The Rod

Chapter 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized: NEXT TIME>>

Return to Index

Related posts:

1. Ch. 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Types of Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 11 – Embracing Biblical Methods: The Rod – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

Before Tripp ever gets into the meat of this chapter, he shares an observation that I found very profound, “All earthly punishment presupposes the great day when destinies are eternally fixed.”  I had never really thought about parenting in that light before.

Tripp begins the discussion of “The Rod” with a look at the current societal view of it.  Of course, he touches on the fact that the rod, as discipline, is no longer a fashionable idea, and many people in today’s society view this biblical form of punishment as child abuse.  Tripp observes, “I fear the majority reaction against spanking is a matter of fashion or style.  The world of ideas is continually in flux.  Ideas have their periods of popularity and unpopularity.”

Tripp looks first at the “Rationale Behind the Rod.”  As he explains, if children were born morally neutral, there would be no need for the rod.  They would not need correction, only direction.  They would need instruction rather than discipline.  The fact of the matter though is that kids are not born morally neutral.  In Tripp’s words, “The child’s problem is not an information deficit.  His problem in that he is a sinner.”

Proverbs 22:15 says:

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

However, Tripp is quick to remind parents that folly is not childishness.  The rod is not meant for childish behavior.  The spanking process is meant to drive folly from the hearts of our children.  Tripp reminds us that the Bible is clear about what is at stake in Proverbs 23:14:

If you strike him with the rod,
you will save his soul from Sheol.

Biblical use of the rod as discipline rescues our kids from death.   As parents, we use the rod out of love to rescue our kids from the dangerous state of living outside the will of God.  To do this, we use the remedy prescribed by our holy and loving God.

The rod is used to help the child to fear God and acquire wisdom.  The rod provide a concrete example to the child of the foolishness of rebellion.  As Tripp explains, “Properly administered discipline humbles the heart of the child, making him subject to parental instruction.”  The rod helps the child to learn to submit to authority.  As parents, God does not leave us a choice.  There are other options for discipline in addition to the rod, but God mandates the use of the rod in his word.

Next Tripp defines what the rod is:

1. It is a parental exercise (to be administered only by a parent).
2. It is an act of faith.  As parents, it shows our confidence in God’s word.
3. It is an act of faithfulness showing love and commitment to the child.
4. It is a responsibility.  Tripp puts it in a new light -  “It is not the parent determining to punish.  It is the parent determining to obey.”
5. It is a physical punishment.

Tripp also addresses a number of what he calls “Distortions of the Rod.”  These are concepts of spanking which have, in part, led to the societal distaste for the punishment:

1. The Rod is not the right to unbridled temper.
2. It is not the right to hit our kids whenever we want.
3. It is not for the venting of frustration.
4. It is not retributive.
5. It should not be associated with vindictive anger.

Now that he has looked at what the rod is, and what it is not, Tripp addresses some of the common objections he gets when he presents this material to parents.  Let’s have a quick look at each objection and Tripp’s response:

I love my children too much to spank them

This is a selfish motivation.  Tripp explains that the one who benefits from using this excuse is the parent who avoids the discomfort of spanking. The most loving thing to do is spank our kids when it is called for.  Consider the truth of Proverbs 13:24:

Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

I’m afraid I will hurt my child

Tripp reminds the reader that what we are talking about biblically based discipline.  By definition, it will never physically harm the child.

I’m afraid it will make him rebellious and angry

Tripp falls back on Proverbs 29:17:

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest;
he will give delight to your heart.

The Bible tells us that, far from rebellion and anger, the rod will lead to peace and delight.

I’m afraid of teaching them to hit

Tripp clarifies this issue by pointing out that hitting in response to frustration is only taught when the parent spanks out of anger.

It doesn’t work

Rather than spanking itself not working, Tripp points to four circumstances he has observed that lead to spanking being ineffective:

1. When it is done in anger
2. When it is inconsistent
3. When there is failure to persist on the part of the parents
4. When there is failure to make certain that the spanking has been effective

I’m afraid of being arrested for child abuse

The first thing Tripp points out is that spanking kids is not illegal.  However, in a society which doesn’t understand the Bible and equates spanking with child abuse, the best course of action is to administer this punishment in the privacy of your own home.

In the next section of this chapter, Tripp looks at the “fruit of the rod.”  These include:

• Teaching kids outcomes to behavior.
• Consistent use helps kids to develop a harvest mentality (you reap what you sow).
• It shows God’s authority over the parents as an example of submission to authority.
• It demonstrates parental love and commitment to the child.
• It results in peace and righteousness.
• It gives children the security of discipline.
• It return the child to the place of blessing.
• It promotes openness and closeness between children and parents.

Finally, Tripp cautions against focusing too much on either the rod or communication to the exclusion of the other.  He says, “If you focus exclusively on either the rod or communication, you will be like a ship with all the cargo loaded on one side.”  Communication and the rod are designed to work together.  While the rod maintains biblically based parental authority, communication prohibits “cold, tyrannical discipline.”  Tripp concludes, “Authoritarian parents tend to lack kindness.  Permissive parents tend to lack firmness.  Asses which distortion of biblical training you would tend toward.  Strive for greater balance.”

Personal Observation

Two things strike me about this chapter:

1. Disciplining our kids is not choosing to punish as a parent, it is choosing to obey.  It is choosing to obey the God who saves us.  Thinking of parenting, and discipline in that perspective put it in a whole new light.
2. The second thing that struck me were Tripp’s comments on assessing whether you tend more towards the rod or communication in dealing with our kids.  in my marriage, my wife and I are on opposite ends of this spectrum.  Left to itself, this could cause all kids of problems both in parenting and in our marriage.  However, when we admit our weakness, we can counter-balance one another and work together in raising our kids as we work to find balance in individual approach.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 10 – Embracing Biblical Methods: A Life of Communication

Chapter 12 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Appeal to Conscience: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 12 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Appeal to Conscience – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Types of Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

Tripp begins this chapter with the following observation, “Communication not only disciplines, it also disciples.”  Tripp reminds us of the call Deuteronomy 6 to talk to our kids at all time – lying down, walking, rising, sitting.  Making communication with our children a habit during normal times makes it easier to talk to them under the strain of difficult situations.

Tripp observes that having biblical conversations with our kids is not a short process.  It is a time-consuming, all-consuming pursuit.  It requires patience, insight and flexibility.  Any parent will understand that there are times when kids want to talk and times when they don’t.  In those times when their hearts are open to talking to us, we must be prepared to drop everything to seize the moment.  We must train our kids to communicate.  This also involves training them how to listen.  The most effective way to do this is to be an active listener ourselves.  Tripp points to Proverbs 18:2 which says, “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.”  We must listen as parents before we can be in a position to talk.

In addition to time, Tripp observes that biblical conversation requires physical stamina, spiritual energy, mental stamina and focus.  On the issue of focus, it is important as parents that we keep the conversation on track.  We must resist the temptation to take the conversation down various rabbit trails.  We must learn to pose questions in new and unique ways to draw our kids out.  We also must be able to model repentance for our children.  We should show them our joys, fears, sin and weakness, and we must never be afraid to admit when we are wrong.  As Tripp explains, “The right to make searching and honest appraisal of your children lives in willingness to do the same for yourself.”

Tripp addresses the importance of communication in terms of the progression of our children’s lives.  He points out that as they grow older our ability to control our kids because we are physically superior to them diminishes, and our role as parents become more about influence than authority.  Accordingly, as our children age, our task as parents is to have them willingly place themselves under our influence and authority.  As Tripp explains, “When a child knows that all his life you have sought to see the world through his eyes, he will trust you…The result is obvious: Your words will have weight.”

The benefits of communicating with our kids and teaching them how to communicate are numerous:

• It prepares our kids for future relationships where communication skills where be essential.
• It enables them to understand the complexities of life.  The more we help our kids understand themselves and their hearts, the better equipped they will be to deal with and understand life.
• We must teach our kids to understand life through the redemptive grid of God.  What better way is their to communicate such a grid to our children than in our normal conversation?

Next, Tripp addresses the question, “Is it worth the cost?”  He explains:

“There is a simple way to look at the cost of deep, full-orbed communication.  You must regard parenting as one of your most important tasks while you have children at home.  This is your calling.  You must raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  You cannot do so without investing yourself in a life of sensitive communication in which you help them to understand life and God’s world.  There is nothing more important.  You have only one brief season of life to invest yourself in this task.  You have only one opportunity to do it.  You cannot go back and do it over.”

There are however, costs:

• If parenting is our primary calling, it means we won’t be able to do everything we want to do.
• It means we can’t develop every interest that comes along.
• It means we may need to give up interests we already have.

The point, though, is that in the end, it is well worth it!  Out kids’ future is at sake!

Personal Observation

Many Christian parents these days claim that their family is their mission field.  For Chrisitians, it as become a very “trendy” thing to say. While I do agree that our families should be viewed with a missional vision, I have to wonder why more Christians don’t actually live that way.  If our families are our mission, they spiritual journey to and with Jesus should be of utmost importance to us.  It should be more important than work, more important than hobbies and more important than the next sporting event.  If our families are our mission field, thier spirtual health and growth should be foremost in our minds and formost in our hearts.  We must engage our kids in conversation to discern their spiritual needs and teach them about our Lord.

<<LAST TIME: Ch. 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Types of Communication

Chapter 11 – Embracing Biblical Methods: The Rod: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Types of Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 11 – Embracing Biblical Methods: The Rod – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

In the last chapter, Tedd Tripp addressed the need for rich, full communication with our kids.  In this chapter he looks at different types of communication.  He notes that as parents we often reduce our role to three things: rules, correction, and punishment and notes that most parents would admit that 80-90% of their communication falls into one of those three areas.  While he admits that rules, correction and punishment are necessary in every family, there are other types of communication, and we do our kids great harm when we can’t discern the appropriate type of communication for the moment.

He offers descriptions of the following eight types of communication (he does note that these are selected types of communication and there are more):

1. Encouragement

Our kids need communication designed to build them up and inspire them.  Part of that is giving kids the encouragement that Christ came because we are all sinners who cannot change ourselves.  We should encourage our kids to find courage and hope in God.

2. Correction

Tripp describes this as bringing a child back into conformity with a standard.  Our job as parents is to help our kids understand God’s standard and judge their behavior based on that standard.

3. Rebuke

This type of communication censures behavior.  Tripp explains, “Sometimes a child must experience your sense of alarm, shock, and dismay at what he has said or done.”  He does point out that a rebuke would generally be followed with other types of communication such as instruction, encouragement and prayer.

4. Entreaty

Tripp explains that this is a type of earnest and intense communication by which we plead, solicit, urge and even beg.  The parent bears his soul to plead for his child to act in wisdom and faith.  It should be reserved for use only in extremely important circumstances.

5. Instruction

This is a type of communication that provides a lesson, principle, or information to help our kids better understand the world or God’s standards.

6. Warning

To warn our kids is to put them on notice regarding potential dangers in their lives.  Tripp advises that “One of the most powerful ways we can warn our children is to fill their heads with the cautions of the Bible.”  He explains that a warning is simply a statement that “A leads to B.”  This is the sowing and reaping principle we find throughout the Bible.

7. Teaching

Tripp defines teaching as “the process of imparting knowledge.”  We teach our kids based upon our ability to draw upon our own knowledge of scripture.

8. Prayer

Prayer is communication with God, not our children.  However, Tripp explains that it is an “essential element of communication between the parent and the child.”  He explains that listening to our children pray often provides some of the keenest insights into our kids.  He describes their prayers as a “window to their souls.”

Personal Observation

Many times parents default to either rules, communication or punishment in talking to their kids.  Most of the time, it is because that is easier than discerning the appropriate type of communication for the moment at hand.  Discernment takes practice.  One useful tip might be to make a list of different types of communication and what they are (including the eight above) so you will have a handy list when you need it.  Prayer is also key in the process of discernment.

<<LAST TIME: Ch. 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication

Chapter 10 – Embracing Biblical Methods: A Life of Communication: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 10 – Embracing Biblical Methods: A Life of Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 12 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Appeal to Conscience – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

In the last chapter, Tripp addressed a number of unbiblical methods.  In this chapter, he starts into what constitutes biblical methods, but first he reminds us that methods and goals must be complimentary and that our goal as parents is to help our children realize that “a life worth living is life lived under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.”  Tripp also reminds us that as parents we must submit to the same Lord.

Tripp offers that a biblical approach to raising kids involves both 1) Rich, full communication; and 2) The rod.

He offers the following list of verses to support this contention:

• Proverbs 23:13-19
• Proverbs 23:22
• Proverbs 23:26

In summary, Tripp explains:

“Together they [communication and the rod] form a God-pleasing, spiritually satisfying, cohesive, and unified approach to discipline, correction, and training of children.  The use of the rod preserves biblically-rooted parental authority.  God has given parents authority by calling them to act as his agents in childrearing.  The emphasis on rich communication prohibits cold, tyrannical discipline.”

Tripp offers the following advice on communication:

Remember that communication is a dialogue, not monologue

Tripp says “the finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts.  It is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another.”

Focus on Understanding

The first objective in talking with our kids can never be to tell them how we feel about what they have done or said.  Our role is to discern and understand the “why” of what is going on inside them.  In other words, our goal is to figure out the internal motivation for the behavior not just the facts of what happened.  Tripp offers the following questions in correction:

• What is the specific content of the abundance of the heart in this circumstance?
• What was the temptation?
• What was his response to that temptation?
• What was he trying to accomplish?

Tripp writes,

“Your communication objective can be stated in several simple propositions.

1. The behavior you see is a reflection of the abundance of your child’s heart.
2. You want to understand the specific content of the abundance of his heart.
3. The internal issues of the heart are of greater importance than the specifics of behavior, since they drive behavior.”

We must learn to look at the world through our children’s eyes.  When it comes to their sin, we are in a good position to understand because we are sinners just like them.  As parents, we can use our own battles with temptation and sin to help our kids understand their battles.  Tripp cautions parents that they will need to develop the skill of probing their children’s hearts if they really want to understand them.

Tripp explains that many times as parents we ask the Why questions.  Why did you do that, etc.?  He explains that it rarely works with kids and offers some alternative questions for talking to kids about specific circumstances:

1. What were you feeling when……?
2. What did ____ do to make you feel ______?
3. Help me to understand how ______ seemed to ______.
4. What was the problem with what ______ was doing to you?
5. In what other ways could you have responded?
6. How do you think your response/actions/inaction reflected trust/lack of trust in God’s ability to _______?

Tripp summarizes the four areas we must address in a conversation with our child:

1. Nature of the temptation
2. Possible responses to the temptation
3. Motives for those responses
4. The sinful response he chose

In doing this, we stand both above our child (as an authority appointed by God) and beside our child (as a fellow sinner who struggles).  Parents often fail by tending to do one of these to the exclusion of the other.

Personal Observation

I think it is important to remember as parents that before we can train our kids to communicate and discern what is in their hearts, we have to learn to do the same for ourselves.

<<LAST TIME: Ch. 7 – Discarding Unbiblical Methods

Ch. 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Types of Communication: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Types of Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 10 – Embracing Biblical Methods: A Life of Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 12 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Appeal to Conscience – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

In this convicting chapter, Tripp moves from the goals of parenting to the methods.  He looks at several popular, but unbiblical, approaches to disciplining our kids.  He observes that as parents we cannot afford to be indifferent to methodology.  Our methods are as important to God as our goals, and biblical goals must employ biblical methods.  The following are some of the unbiblical methods prevalent in our society today.

1. I Didn’t Turn Out So Bad

In this method, a parent blindly employs those methods used by their own parents without any thought to whether or not those methods are biblical.

2. Pop Psychology

There is no shortage of advice out there on how to raise kids in our society.  Some of the most popular ideas today involve bribing our kids or having them sign contracts in order to get things done.  Tripp describes these as superficial methods of parenting and points out that they latch on to the evil in our children’s hearts and use that to motivate them.

3. Behavior Modification

This involves rewarding good behavior and ignoring, or perhaps punishing, bad behavior.  Tripp offers his opinion that kids should not be rewarded for fulfilling normal responsibilities.  Doing so only trains their tender hearts to be greedy and look out for their own self-interest in obtaining rewards.  Eventually they become manipulators of the system.

4. Emotionalism

This involves getting emotional in order to get our kids to do what we want them to.  It includes statements such as “You hurt my feelings” and shaming a child.  Contrary to shepherding their hearts, this method does not help them to learn the specific issues of the heart causing their behavior.

5. Punitive Correction / Grounding

Punitive correction includes the threat of punishment.  The most popular form of it is grounding.  Again, this issue does not address the issues of the heart which are causing the specific behavior.  Rather, it is punitive in nature.  Tripp believes this method is popular in our society today because it is easy.  It does not require patient instruction and communication with the child.  Unfortunately, kids subjected to this form of correction just learn how to cope with the punishment and never address the heart issues in a biblical way.

6. Erratic Eclecticism

This “method” involves no consistency.  Parents freely draw from many sources and use bits and pieces of a number of different methods.  I like how Tripp explains it: “Like a rolling snowball picking up snow, ideas are added along the way.”  This method leaves children confused and not sure what the parents want.  They are never sure what system is in effect.

Tripp points out that these unbiblical methods miss the real point because they are aimed solely at issues of behavior.  Biblical discipline addresses behavior by addressing the heart.  As parents, we must train our kids to be able to interpret their behavior in terms of the motivations of the heart that cause it.  Tripp cautions that changing behavior without addressing the issues of the heart trains the heart towards whatever unbiblical method you are using.  He also observes that when modern day “experts” tell you that you must find the method that works best for each child, they are really saying “you must find the idols of the heart that will move each child.”  Furthermore, when our methods only address the issue of behavior, we never get to the need for the Cross of Christ.  Tripp concludes that when we use unbiblical methods to punish rather than biblical methods to discipline:

“Children are not being trained to make ethical choices as responsible people living in reverence for God.  They are learning how to jump through your hoops and avoid your displeasure.  They learn to make choices based on expediency rather than principle.”

Personal Observation

I found this chapter to be perhaps the most convicting chapter in the entire book.  My oldest child was ten years old when I became a follower of Christ.  We had plenty of issues with him, and by the time Christ became my model for parenting, a number of these unbiblical methods (if not all) were firmly entrenched in my parenting style.  Even after becoming a Christian, I still employed many of these unbiblical methods figuring that there were no better alternatives.  Even now that I have seen, in large part because of this book, a more biblical approach to parenting, it is easy to slip back into those old habits.  When I am tired, it is easier to yell than talk.  When I am stressed, it is easier to punish than discern, and on and on and on!  My prayer is that God would continue to work in my heart to make me into the father that he wants me to be and that he would help to remember that my strength is in him and through him all things are possible.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 6 – Reworking Your Goals

Ch. 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 12 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Appeal to Conscience – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 9 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Types of Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

In this chapter, Tripp calls parents to rethink their goals for their children in light of the chief end of man – that being to glorify God and enjoy him forever.  In doing so, Tripp looks at the 7 areas addressed in the last chapter.

1. Developing Special Skills

Tripp points out that there is no biblical mandate to, nor a verse that even supports the idea of, developing our children’s self-worth.  All of the activities which we busy our kids with tend to teach them to trust in themselves.  The Bible tells us that those who trust in themselves are fools!  The concepts of self-trust and self-love that are so prevalent in our culture today turn people from God.  Furthermore, the amount of time that these activities takes up tend to become the priority for families and distract from biblical goals such as time spent reading the scriptures, prayer and more.  Rather than viewing these special skills as the goal for our kids, we should remember that the real reason for developing any skills is to be a good steward of the gifts God has given us.

2. Psychological Adjustment

Rather than subcumbing to the “self esteem” craze, our goals in this area should really be to teach our children:

• to entrust themselves to God,
• to see the needs of others around them,
• to learn to make peace, and
• that a soft answer turns away wrath.

3. Saved Children

The principal problem with the goal of saved children is that it looks to the spiritual moment of salvation alone and does not address the spiritual process of nurturing our kids.  The true aim for a genuine Christian life is progressive growth.  Tripp observes that all life rushes towards that day when all of us will be called before the throne of God to give an account for our lives.   Rather than focusing solely on salvation, our goal as parents should be teach our kids to trust God both for salvation and for daily living.  In simple terms, the author explains, “Faith is not just a way to get saved; it is the lifeline for Christian living.”  To that end, kids must be taught how to repent.  They need to know the forgiveness of God, not just to get saved, but in living their daily lives.

4. Family Worship

It is very easy in life to confuse the means and the end.  Tripp cautions that we must remember that family worship is a means and not the end.  Tripp suggests that the daily reading of Proverbs is a valuable thing to do with your kids.  As he points out, Proverbs serves as “an owner’s manual for life” and confronts a child with every aspect of true spirituality.

5. Well Behaved Children

The Biblical view of manners is that they are an expression and application of the principal of loving our neighbor more than ourself.  Tripp reminds us that well behaved children is a side affect of shepherding their hearts but cannot be the principal goal.

6. Good Educations

Tripp rightly expresses that the Bible does not anywhere set good grades as a goal for our kids.  Tripp further explains that many parents exacerbate the problem by adding unbiblical incentives for getting good grades (such as a certain amount of money for certain grade).  In doing this, we undermine the fact that children must learn to do their work diligently for God and not solely for a reward.

Finally, Tripp answers the primary objection he gets when he raises these points.  That objection is something to the effect of, “What if my kids aren’t believers?”  Tripp’s answer, in a nutshell, is to ask, “should we teach unbelievers to disobey the word of God?”  He points out that if we hold them to the standard of God’s law, it becomes the beacon of light that could lead them to Christ.  As parents, we should always be pointing to Christ’s work, his power and his grace.  Our main objective is to teach our kids to live for the glory of God and find true life in knowing and serving him.  We must impress on our kids that a life lived for God is the only worthy goal in life.

Personal Observation

The differences between the societal norms for raising our kids and what the Bible says are striking!  It is clear that our culture’s goals for raising kids are at best inadequate, and at worst, contrary to the will of God.  As parents, we must diligently work to discern whether or not we have made one of these unbiblical goals an idol in our children’s lives.  If we have, we have failed, and we must take that failure to the cross of Christ to find redemption before we can hope to redeem our kids.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 5 – Examining Your Goals

Ch. 7 – Discarding Unbiblical Methods: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 5: Examining Your Goals – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 4: You’re In Charge – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

Tripp explains that every parent wants kids who are happy and successful.  We differ in our definitions of success, but whatever our definition is, that’s what we want for our kids.  Tripp proceeds to examine several unbiblical goals that many parents have for their kids:

1. Developing Special Skills

We get our kids involved in all kids of different activities so that they can learn different skills.  Parents must consider whether they measure their own success based on the number and different types of activities they provide their kids.  Do we judge our kids’ success based on the number of skills they develop?  Is little Johnny a failure if he’s good at soccer and basketball, but struggles at football?  It is important that we consider whether all the activities we get our kids involved in have biblical content.

2. Psychological Adjustment

Two words on this one – “self esteem.”  Every parenting guide in the world claims to know the secret of building self-esteem in your kids.  Tripp observes, “Have you noticed that no books promise to help produce children who esteem others?”  Which is the more biblical goal?

3. Saved Children

Many Christian parents are preoccupied with getting their kids saved.  Obviously as Christian parents, this is one of our deepest wishes for our kids.  The problem is when this becomes the ultimate goal.  Salvation is the beginning of our walk with God, not the end point.  When parents start to believe that getting their kids saved will solve all of their problems, then it becomes an issue.  Tripp points out that this is a sensitive areas because:

1. We can never know with certainty whether our kids are saved; and
2. The fact of a child being saved “does not change the basic issues of childrearing.”

4. Family Worship

The key here is to remember that, even though family worship is a noble and valuable thing, it is not a substitute for true spirituality.

5. Well Behaved Children

There is pressure in our culture to raise well behaved children, and many well-meaning parents succumb to that pressure.  As discussed in prior chapters, having well behaved children can not be the utlimate goal.  It is a great side effect of raising our kids based on biblical standards, but it is not a worthy goal in and of itself.  When behavior is the goal, the issue becomes what other people think rather than what God thinks.  The patience needed for godly correction is not available when parents succumb to the pressure to have kids who behave immediately.

6. Good Educations

While a good education is not inherently evil, you need only look at the throngs of overly educated and thoroughly broken people to know that it is insufficient in and of itself.  This can’t be the measure of true success.

7. Control

Some parents simply want to control their kids.  The goal is “manageable” kids – not godly kids.  Like well behaved kids, the goal is convenience and public appearance rather than Godly kids.

Tripp moves from this list into a warning against giving into the influences of our culture.  As he points out, “You must equip children to function in a culture that has abandoned the knowledge of God.”  If we teach our kids to do anything but glorify God, we succumb to the pressures of our culture.  Tripp offers this insight:

“How do we do this? We pander to their desires and wishes.  We teach them to find their soul’s delight in going places and doing things.  We attempt to satisfy their lust for excitement.  We fill their young lives with distractions from God.  We give them material things and take delight in their delight in possessions.  Then we hope somewhere down the line they will see that a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving God.”

In order to counteract this, we must teach them from their earliest years that they are image-bearers of God and created for his glory.  In Tripp’s words, “They must learn that they will only ‘find themselves’ as they find him.”

Personal Observation

My oldest son plays soccer.  He is almost 16 and has been playing since he was about four.  As you sit and listen to other parents at those soccer games, you can’t help but be struck by a couple of things:

1. It is amazing how seriously the parents take the games; and
2. The mothers seem to spend quite a good deal of time talking about how busy they are running their kids from one activity to the next.

Now that three of my four kids are involved in their own individual activities, I face two significant struggles:

1. How do you redeem the time you invest in those activities and make sure that the time is to the glory of God; and
2. How do you keep it from becoming all consuming and the center of our family life?

I will be the first to admit that it is a struggle.  I do find that time spent at practices, etc. is a nice quite time to do some reading of scripture of studying God.  Keeping extracurricular activities from becoming the center of family life is a daily struggle.  It is important to have some hard and fast guidelines.  For example, in our family, Wednesday nights are for Awana at the local church.   The kids go to Awana and my wife and I serve.  Although we do miss sometimes for various reasons (that is inevitable), it is a priority.  Serving others must never take a back seat to serving ourselves!

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 4 – You’re in Charge

Chapter 6 – Reworking Your Goals: NEXT TIME>>

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Related posts:

1. Ch. 6: Reworking Your Goals – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 4: You’re In Charge – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

In this chapter, we look at the basis for parental authority.  Tripp begins by explain that our culture is adverse to authority – not just being under authority, but also being an authority.  In our culture, we view all authority as derived from overwhelming force or by consent.  As Tripp explains, that leaves only 2 potential responses – either rebellion or servility.  In Tripp’s words, “Our culture has no notion of intelligent, thinking persons willingly placing themselves under authority.”

When it comes to parenting, the author explains that parents often don’t understand our biblical mandate to shepherd our children.  Accordingly, the goals of parenting often become nothing more than immediate comfort and convenience.  In order to function, parents and children must understand that God calls parents to be in charge over their children and that children are called by God to obey their parents.

Parent act as agents of God.  As agents of God in providing training and guidance to our kids, we are in a position of authority over them, but we are also a person under the authority of God.  In that respect, we have something in common with our kids.  As Tripp explains we “have differing roles, but the same Master.”  Tripp takes a brief aside to warn against “unholy anger” which he defines as anger over the fact that we are not getting what we want from our children.  This type of anger makes the issue at hand one between the parent and the child and not between the child and God.  The role as parents is not to insist that our children do what we say just because we are their parents, but we should insist that our children obey God because that is the right thing to do and in their best interest. Unholy anger may teach our kids to fear us, but in the end, it moves them away from God and in the direction of “the idolatry of fearing man.”

As parents, we never have to wonder whether or not exercising authority over our children is OK.  Not only is it OK, we are mandated to do it by the Creator of the Universe!  Based on his experience as a school administrator, Mr. Tripp opines that most parents just don’t get the importance of being in charge in their kids’ lives.   Most parents take the role of adviser to their kids which leads to the kids learning that they are the ultimate decision makers while the parents are relegated to the role of making suggestions.  When parents make every decision a “smorgasboard of choices for the child to decide” from a very early age, the child ends up being his own boss and parents are left to “cajole, plead, urge…scream and threaten” to try to get their kids to obey.  This of course runs contrary to the popular notion that you have to give kids choices so they can learn to make good choices.  Tripp argues that, much to the contrary, kids become good choice makers when they see their parents “modeling and instructing wise direction and decision making on their behalf.”  Before kids can learn to make good decisions about anything else, they must learn the paramount importance of being under authority.

Tripp then goes on to define the task of parenting.  He observes that culture has reduced the definition of parenting to simply baby sitting.  God has called us as parents to something much higher than mere day care – we are called to shepherd our kids on behalf of God.  It is a constant task that happens whenever and wherever we are with our children.  In order to shepherd our kids we must know them deeply.  We have to know what makes them tick, we must know how they think, we must be able to anticipate their actions and inclinations.

Given the high calling of parenting, it is useful to have some clear objectives when it comes to training and shepherding our kids.  Me must know our kids strengths and weaknesses and have a plan to strengthen the weaknesses and encourage the strengths.  We should sit down with our spouses and set short-term and long-term goals for all of our kids.  We must develop strategies for teaching and training them.  We must spend time thinking about how to focus our efforts on attitudes of the heart rather than simple behavior modification.  Finally, we must remain humble as parents.  Understanding that, in parenting, we are acting as an agent of God should help us to stay both focused and humble.

Seeing ourselves as God’s agents will also change the way we view discipline.  For example, discipline should be corrective, not punitive.  If discipline revolves around the parents and what they want, the function of the discipline is punitive – to punish the child for not giving the parent what they want.  On the other hand, when the discipline is focused on God, on moving a child who has disobeyed back towards God, the function is corrective.  Discipline, therefore, is an act of love.  This is discussed more in Chapter 7 of the book.

Proverbs 19:18 says:

Discipline your son, for there is hope;
do not set your heart on putting him to death.

We must love our kids enough to discipline them to keep them from death.  Tripp is quick to remind us that

“Discipline as positive instruction rather than negative punishment does not rule out consequences or outcomes of behavior.  Consequences and outcomes of behavior are certainly part of the process God uses to chasten people.”

However, the correction must be tied to the principles and precepts of God’s Word.  In Tripp’s words, “It is God’s non-negotiable standard that fuels correction and discipline.”

Personal Observation

One of the things Tripp calls for in this chapter is an honest evaluation of training objectives, your children’s strengths and weaknesses, short and long term goals, and strategies for parenting.  As I started to think about this, I realized that I have never undertaken such an exercise.  I think that perhaps my wife and I will sit down separately and do this for each child then come together to develop a plan for each child.  I believe that this exercise will help us, not only in parenting, but also to strengthen our marriage.  I hope you will do the same.

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 3 – Your Child’s Development: Godward Orientation

Chapter 5 – Examining Your Goals: NEXT TIME>>

Return to Index

Related posts:

1. Ch. 11 – Embracing Biblical Methods: The Rod – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 8 – Embracing Biblical Methods: Communication – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

In the last chapter, the author laid out 6 shaping influences which impact our children, but he was quick to point out that it is not shaping influences alone which determine the types of people our kids will grow up to be.   Mr. Tripp explains that regardless of the shaping influences in a child’s life, it is his Godward orientation that determines how he will react to those influences.

Mr. Tripp points to Proverbs 9:7-10 for guidance.  Here is that verse from the English Standard Version:

7 Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse,
and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury.
⁸ Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;
reprove a wise man, and he will love you.
⁹ Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser;
teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.
¹⁰ The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.

Tripp makes the observation that, “It is the fear of the Lord that makes one wise and it is wisdom that determines how he responds to correction.”

Mr. Tripp explains that all children have only two possibilities for their Godward orientation:

1. They worship the true and living God of the Bible; or
2. They worship idols.

Tripp further explains that kids are never neutral.  God has designed them with a “worship orientation.”  When it comes to kids, the question is not whether they worship, but what they will worship?  Tripp points to Romans 1:18-19 and explains that kids will either “respond to God by faith or they suppress the truth in unrighteousness.”  If they respond in faith, they find the fulfillment that comes from serving God.  If they suppress the truth they too end up like the people addressed in Romans 1 worshiping the creation rather than the one who created it!

We must get past the cultural idea that children are inherently good.  Tripp points to passages like Psalm 58:3 and Psalm 51:5 which clearly state that we are all sinners from the womb.  Tripp observes, “We often are taught that man becomes a sinner when he sins.  The Bible teaches that man sins because he is a sinner.”

Tripp points out that the idols that kids in our culture worship are not stone and wooden statues but “any manner of motives, desires, wants, goals, hopes, and expectations that rule the heart of a child.”

Because there are only two possible responses from our children to the things we pour into them, parenting is not just about pouring good things into our kids.  Part of our role as parents is to shepherd our kids, as worshiping creatures, toward the one true and living God.  He is the only one worthy of worship and the one who created us.  Tripp observes that most parenting books offer advice (often contradictory advice) regarding how to control your children’s shaping influences.  However, real parenting must be concerned both with the shaping influences and with shepherding the heart of the child.  In a passage I found very poetic, Tripp refers to engaging in:

“hand-to-hand combat on the world’s smallest battlefield, the child’s heart.”

Tripp explains that, because our children’s heart orientation determines their response to life, it is naive to conclude that a child’s problems are simply the result of a lack of maturity.  A child is selfish because he worships at the idol of himself, not because he is immature!

Mr Tripp concludes this chapter by pointing out what, by now, seems obvious:

1. As parents, we must work to control those shaping influences in our children’s lives which we can control.
2. We must also actively shepherd our children’s hearts towards worshiping God.
3. In all of this, we must pray for God’s working in our children’s lives.

Personal Observation

When it comes to ours kids, it is easy to get caught up in praying for specifics. “Please God let my kids get home OK.”  “Please Lord teach my child respect and discipline.”  “Please God give me the patience to deal with my kids.”  I was convicted by Mr. Tripp’s advice that, “In all this you must pray that God will work in and around your efforts and the responses of your children to make them people who know and honor God.”  I will definitely be adding this to the list of my prayers for my kids.

<<LAST TIME: Ch. 2 – Your Child’s Development: Shaping Influences

Chapter 4 – You’re in Charge: NEXT TIME>>

Return to Index

Related posts:

1. Ch. 2 – Your Child’s Development: Shaping Influences – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 1 – Getting to the Heart of Behavior – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

This chapter deals with the shaping influences in a child’s life.  Mr. Tripp defines shaping influences as,

“those events and circumstances in a child’s developmental years that prove to be catalysts for making him the person he is.”

Mr. Tripp explains that the person our child becomes is ultimately the product of two things:

1. His Life Experiences; and

2. How the child interacts with those experiences

Our children’s interactions with their shaping influences is dealt with in Chapter 3 of the book, and we will deal with that in the next installment.  Mr. Tripp identifies six shaping influences in our children’s lives.  He points out that most of these are “both within and outside parental control:”

1. Structure of Family Life

How is the family set up?  Is it traditional?  How many parents in the home?  How many generations?  How many kids in the family?  What is their birth order?  All of these impact our view of life when we get older.

2. Family Values

Mr. Tripp explains that every family has certain boundaries regardless of whether those boundaries are spoken or not.  However, the core point is whether or not your values are: “based on human tradition and the basic principals of this world or on Christ?”

3. Family Roles

Are there specific roles which each family member plays?  Some fathers are removed and distant while others are involved in every aspect of family life.  In some families the father pays the bills, in others the mother.  Children also tend to have specific roles in the family.

4. Family Conflict Resolution

Do the members of the family know how to discuss their problems?  Are problems resolved or ignored?  How does the Bible factor into conflict resolution?  Tripp concludes: “A child is trained to be a fool or be prudent, wise man by the shaping influences of the home.” Ouch!

5. Family Response to Failure

Children are influenced by how their parents deal with the children’s failures.  Are failures mocked and made fun of, or do the parents find an opportunity for praise even in the midst of failure?

6. Family History

Things like births, deaths, moving, money, health and more are all part of our family history, and they can have a profound impact on how our children grow up.

Tripp then explains two mistakes which are frequently made when it comes to dealing with shaping influences:

1. Seeing shaping influences as deterministic; and
2. Denying the impact of shaping influences.

Tripp concludes the chapter with a transition to Chapter 3.  He explains, “Children are never passive receivers of shaping.  Rather, they are active responders…the child is never determined solely by the shaping influences of life…Your child’s heart determines how he responds to your parenting.”  Next time we will look at two possible responses to shaping influences.

Personal Observation

No matter what mistakes we have made in the past with our children, and no matter what circumstances we may be reaping because of those mistakes, the important thing to remember is that it is never too late change those shaping influences which are under our control.  Our God is, after all, a God of second chances!

<<LAST TIME: Chapter 1 – Getting to the Heart of Behavior

Chapter 3 – Your Child’s Development: Godward Orientation: NEXT TIME>>

Return to Index

Related posts:

1. Ch. 3 – Your Child’s Development: Godward Orientation – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 1 – Getting to the Heart of Behavior – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

That Proverb becomes the basis for Chapter 1 and the rest of the book.  In Tedd Tripp’s words, “The scripture teaches that the heart is the control center for life.”

So, what does this have to do with parenting?  Tripp explains that our kids’ actions, everything they do and say, reflcts what is in their hearts.  In other words, behavior is not the end all and be all when it comes to parenting.  The fundamental issue to parenting, if we really want to help our kids, is what is going on in the heart.

I personally found the following excerpt from Chapter 1 very convicting:

“A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in the heart is not commendable; it is condemnable.  Is it not the hypocrisy that Jesus condemned in the Pharisees?  In Matthew 15, Jesus denounces the Pharisees who have honored him with their lips while their hearts were far from him.   Jesus censures them as people who wash the outside of the cup while the inside is still unclean.  Yet this is often what we do in child rearing.  We demand changed behavior and never address the heart that drives the behavior.”

Tripp explains that, as parents, we have to require proper behavior because it is commanded by God’s law.  However, we must also ask the right questions of our children to ascertain the attitude of the heart that caused the bad behavior.  Tripp discusses the example of one child taking a toy from another child (an every day, every minute kind of occurrence in my house).  As parents, most of us would ask which kid had the toy first, and punishment becomes an issue of justice.  When we look at the heart attitude of the children, they are both guilty of being selfish.  It changes our whole outlook on the situation.

Tripp points out that, since all behavior is linked to heart attitudes, all discpline must likewise address the heart attitudes.  Tripp explains:

Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed.  That leads to the cross of Christ.”

In order to do this, it is not enough to punish the child or demand good behavior, we must, as parents, learn to engage our kids.

Personal Application

There is a quote in this chapter which I really liked.  In describing a family following the principals of this book, Tripp explains that:

“The Bible and biblical truth blew through every conversation-not with stifling heat, but like a refreshing, life-giving breath.”

I pray that for my family and for yours!

<<LAST TIME: Introduction

Ch. 2 – Your Child’s Development: Shaping Influences: NEXT TIME>>

Return to Index

Related posts:

1. Ch. 2 – Your Child’s Development: Shaping Influences – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
2. Ch. 13 – Shepherding the Heart Summarized – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)
3. Ch. 3 – Your Child’s Development: Godward Orientation – Shepherding A Child’s Heart (A Synopsis)